Melody Clark (melodyclark) wrote,
Melody Clark

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Be vewwy qwiet, I'm hunting houses

I had no idea that untamed hallucinogenic drug use had permeated this far into the greater Los Angeles area. It's the only explanation for the house we saw today. Now, mirrors on the wall aren't my favorite thing and gold leaf mirrors on the wall haven't been my favorite thing since 1968 but gold leaf mirrors on the wall accented with tree bark-mounted plywood? I don't think that has ever been anyone's favorite thing. That was someone's den. And then there was the faux-stonework on the fireplace surrounded by the tree bark mounted plywood. The whole effect was somewhat like the Caveman Room at the Madonna Inn only this was really, really exceptionally badly done. When I pointed out all of this, the big holes in the wall (it was a foreclosure) and the lack of kitchen cabinets of any kind (again, it was a foreclosure), our poor long-suffering real estate guy pointed out the backdoor and said, "But just look at that pool!" They wanted $140,000 for this thing. In Lancaster, that's a lot of money for a house. We passed.

Oh, I forgot the house with the "gill" windows -- so the house "could breathe". We got the metaphor but not the house. Then there was the big stone decorated house -- they were all in these fanciful rows and the result was straight out of a Flintstones ride at Universal Studios ... if they had one. We passed on it, too.

One of the houses, we didn't even get out of the car to look at. Someone had hurled a camper's shovel through a bottom floor window. It was hanging, half in and half out. We decided it was an ill omen. But still -- "just look at that pool!"

The 70s have been revealed to me to be the decade of awful pea green carpeting. The 80s carpet styling seem to lean toward either deep brown shag or icy blue shiny crap (I think I had hot pants in the early 70s with that fabric). And I have today seen purple wallpaper. Purple. Wallpaper. It had a black glitter border. In certain circumstances, I might like that look and would even claim it as an office. But not in this instance. Just ... not.

And oh, we do not live in Hawaii -- I wanted to get up on the roof and scream it at the neighbors. Half the houses with pools we saw had a Hawaiian/Tahitian motif to the yard. Not everyone has a luau every weekend. Hawaii has been one of the nifty fifty for fifty frickin' years people. Get over it.

We have now decided against a house with a pool. We're going to buy a house without one (a 2006ish house with 1700 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and no bark, plywood, or icy blue shiny crap goes for around $125,000 right now). Then we'll build our own damned pool.

I'm preparing a list of real estate terms and their real world translations for use by anyone of our fellow house hunters. I'll post it in a couple of days. You've been warned.
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